The Tome of Regrettable Deeds: Moonrise Hollow Editon

What's this?
Our D&D group wanted a place to collate all our most interesting insights in a format that was easy to share around. Rather than spam the Discord or painstakingly record everything with the quotes bot, we opted to dump our weekly revelations here!

What the hell are you talking about?
Our weekly game is arranged by Timothy Hutchinson and Timothy Smith. Set in a backwater village in the Forgotten Realms, a group of unusually gifted magic users are tasked with contending with a series of supernatural events inspired by the infamous Deck of Many Things. Each chapter is separated by a down-time session, in which the players are given time to hone their skills, gather research, and equip themselves for the perils ahead.

Feel free to rampantly speculate as to what on earth goes on in our sessions. Don't expect any clarification on anything though!

Note, some text may be marginally NSFW.
Also expect some minor, probably warped, very out of context spoilers for the Curse of Strahd module.
also this game isn't organised by the society, it just happens to take place on campus and between society members

The Players:

• Benjamin - Half-Elf Wizard
• James L - Aasimar Cleric
• James P - Half-Elf Warlock
• Joshua - Tiefling Sorcerer
• Piotr - Human Paladin
• Ryan - Kobold Druid

Chapter 0: The Vision (05/10/2019)

Benjamin: "What is wrong with your face!?"

James P: “I know all the good hiding places. But I’ll check the bad hiding places as well, in case they rolled poorly on Stealth.”

Tim H: “What’s the name of the oldest person in the Meyer family?”
James P: *looking it up” “Errol”
Tim H: “Thanks. Errol… I can’t remember his surname”
James P: “Meyer?”

James P: “Curses!”
Ryan: “…of Strahd!”

Ryan, talking to his owl: untranscribable sounds

Tim H: “Let’s put a scale on this map”
Ryan: “I’m a kobold, I’ve got plenty!”

Ryan: “Hippity-hoppity, this library’s my property!”

Tim H: “Make a… are you proficient with bricks?”

Ryan: "TACTICAL MARRIAGE!"

This week’s nomination for Title of Your Sex Tape

Piotr: “I stride around, commanding people to reveal themselves!”

Downtime 1: Turns out its hard to make money without adventuring (12/10/2019)

Benjamin: "Staying away from the adults and using children as test subjects"

Benjamin: [Whilst playing D&D] "I'm not going to surrender to chance!"

Joshua: "Not a quote."

James P: [on darkvision] “Not being able to see colour shouldn’t be an issue, unless we have to defuse a bomb.”
Ryan: “Yeah, it’s not like there’s a whole monster species that’s colour-coded by its strengths and weaknesses!”
James P: “To be fair, if there’s a dragon down here then we’re fucked no matter what colour it is.”

Piotr: “Now I have a fist somewhere on my body!”
Ryan: “Oh, are you joining the Order of Thanos?”

Ryan: “I drop a couple of teeth into the donation box”
Omnes: “It’s a teeth tithe!”

Benji: “Can you feel that? A sense of creeping dread?”
James P: “Well, I can now that you’ve said that!”

Piotr: “Speaking of alerting people, Anastasia is going to blab everything.”

James P: [of a ghost] “May I have an insight roll?”
Ryan: “It’s not hard, you can see right through him!”
Things are thrown

Josh: [on modes of employment] “I feel that the nearest call centre would be in Daggerford.”

This week’s nomination for Title of Your Sex Tape:

Piotr: “Can I wiggle my finger into the little hole?”

Chapter 1: Chippy Fell Down the Well (19/10/2019)

Piotr: "Can you imagine..."
Ryan, who plays D&D: "no."

James [On parents of a missing person with an odd name]: "They weren't losing their shit, they were losing their Chip!"

Ryan: “As I know from cats, small animals can survive being dropped from a great height. [Beat] Not goldfish, though.”

Ryan: “I’m going to find an appropriate raven”
James P: “Not an inappropriate raven?”
Ryan: [raven voice] “’Fuck you!’”

Tim H: “Ryan, roll to see if you can find an owl that actually likes you.”

Piotr: [Of a ghost] “Should I help him?”
James P: “I think you’re about 400 years too late.”

Tim H: “Oh, Finn, thank you for the tentacles”

Ryan: “’Do you want to go first? Okay!’ I say, as I hand you the rope.”

Piotr: [Of a mysterious glinting object] “Is that a coin?”
Tim H: “No, it’s quite big.”
Piotr: “Is it a big coin?”

James L: “I cast Light on a piranha.”

Ryan: “I’d imagine I have at least a little bit of wood on me.
Omnes: …
Ryan: Stop it!”

[Do pears float on water?]
James P: “Yes. Because apples float on water, and fruit is transitive.”

This week’s nomination for Title if Your Sex Tape:

Piotr: “If I can do it in chainmail, then you can do it in normal clothes!”

Chapter 2: The Gang Gets Paid (26/10/2019)

Piotr: “Well, there’s never been a better time to practice shouting under water!”

[Tim S is standing in for an absent player, and wishes to do something improbable]
James P: “You should petition one of the GMs. I’m not saying which one you should petition, but…”

[Piotr is about to go on an underwater trek]
James L: “You should put a bucket over your head, so that you have an air pocket.”
Omnes: [General mirth]
James L: “It was a serious suggestion!”
James P: “It was both comedic and sensible.”
James L: “Nothing about this is sensible!”

Tim H: “Is there a particular marching order?”
Piotr: “One!” [crickets] “The rest!”

Tim H: “You can see more doors on the left and the right.”
James L: “We can see what?!”
[Cue five minutes of Lord of the Rings references]

Tim H: “ARG!”

Piotr: “Can I lay on hands by fist-bumping people?”
Tim H: [With more scathing disapproval than I have ever heard from him] “In theory, yes.”

Tim H: “Anastasia!” [Pulls down projector screen to cover the map on the whiteboard] “You’re blind!”

Double Entendre of the Week:

Tim H: “Tie yourselves together and pick a hole that you want to go down.”

Downtime 2: Never send a paladin to do a bard's job (02/11/2019)

James P: That's why mums go to Daggerford

Tim H: “Would anyone like to summarise the events of the last two weeks for the players who weren’t here?”
James P: [To Benji] “You were in a coma.”

Piotr: “Maybe we could open up an archaeological dig site?”
Benji: “That was a long word from you!”

Piotr: “Why must you crush my dreams?”
Ryan: “Because your dreams suck!”

Ryan: “It’ll be a lot easier to persuade people to keep calm if we tell them that we’re building a school than if we tell them that we’re building a keep because horrible things are happening.”

James L: “If I get two pairs of winged boots, can I put them on a horse?”

Tim S: “Particularly dangerous? Now you’re talking my language!”

Josh wants to buy a pot to grow a shrub in
Omnes: “A shrubbery!” [In Monty Python voices. For five minutes.]

Tim H: “There’s been no resurgence of the tentacles.”
Tim S: “Neurosurgeon tentacles?!”
James L: “Isn’t that a mindflayer?”

Piotr has to roll with disadvantage
Piotr: [Rolls die] “Ooooh!” [Rolls again] Awwwww!

Tim H: “As the creature leapt up and tried to wrap its jaws around you… it did.”

Ryan: “You should stab the Hell Hound”
James L: “But then I’ll lose Sanctuary”
Ryan: “You should kiss the Hell Hound.”

Double Entendre of the Week:

Ryan: “One tug’s enough.”

”Tim, what did you do?!” count: 1
Detect Magic count: 7